Childhood: A Template for the Future

There is no doubt that children are observant. They are constantly learning, evolving, adapting, and responding to their surroundings. Since parenting is the first form of a relationship that a child is introduced to, their understanding of a secure relationship is most often based off of that relationship. This is the basis of attachment and attachment theory. 

To best describe how a child can be negatively influenced by this relationship let us begin with avoidant and anxious attachment. For example, let’s say that a parent is working with their own anxiety or depression while raising a baby. The parent is constantly distracted, in their own head, and trying to make it through their own battles. When this baby looks up to its parent for a bottle and they are not fed, because the parent is adhering to their own mind, they will start by changing the way they ask for their bottle. If the baby is still not given their bottle, they may try asking again, in a different form. This pattern continues until the baby starts to think that something must be wrong with them, rather than the parent. The child will lose agency and may feel hurt to the point that it has an impact on their identity. 

This is a building block for anxious or avoidant attachment. Babies turn into children who turn into adolescents who turn into adults all a while carrying internalized feelings of being unheard, damaged, unimportant, or controlled. Thus, that baby may begin to give nothing as a way to avoid being hurt (avoidant attachment) or may give too much to try and feel heard (anxious attachment).

This example helps to explain how anxious and avoidant attachment is passed from generation to generation. This example also helps illuminate how our earliest experiences represent the way that we view ourselves. 

Most importantly of all, these characteristics and core beliefs about ourselves do not have to be permanent. Attachment styles can be revised by observing reactions and responses to ourselves and to other people. The support of a clinician or trained professional is oftentimes the key to opening the door for this type of exploration.

If you are interested in learning more about attachment and/or working with me, please reach out. You can contact me for a free 20 minute consultation.