4 Steps to Overcoming Codependency

Codependency is a word that gets thrown around quite frequently. There are codependent romantic partners, codependent parents, codependent friends… but what actually is codependency? And is it really as bad as it sounds? 

According to assistant professor of clinical psychiatry at Vanderbilt University, Jonathan Becker, “Codependency can be defined as any relationship in which two people become so invested in each other that they can’t function independently anymore. Your mood, happiness and identity are defined by the other person. In a codependent relationship, there is usually one person who is more passive and can’t make decisions for themselves, and a more dominant personality who gets some reward and satisfaction from controlling the other person and making decisions about how they will live.”

Codependent relationships are far more complex than your everyday neediness.

A person who is codependent will plan their entire life around pleasing and making the other person, also known as the enabler, happy 

A codependent relationship is when one partner needs the other partner, who in turn, needs to be needed. This circular relationship is the foundation of what experts refer to as the "cycle of codependency.”

The codependent's self-esteem and self-worth will come only from sacrificing themselves for their partner, ‘the enabler,’ who willingingly accepts and encourages their sacrifices. Oftentimes, when this relationship dynamic is adopted during childhood between parent and child, the same dynamic is replicated throughout the child’s life within friendships, romantic relationships, and other relationships. It is important to develop a concrete understanding of what codependency is so that the child can reform these characteristics as a means to develop healthy, lasting relationships throughout life. So how does someone do this? 

1. Get familiar with codependency

The more you understand what codependency is, the better you will become at recognizing it and changing the behavior. Whether it be through podcasts, books, articles, or psychoeducation from a therapist or a trained professional, it is essential to understand the cycle in order to put an end to it. If you are looking for a book recommendation, Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie is a favorite. 

2. Take care of yourself

More often than not, in codependent relationships, the individual will lose sight of themselves. Their identity has become dependent on their partners, parents or friends. Therefore, you need to take time to explore yourself as an individual. That exploration includes your likes, dislikes, feelings, interests, and everything in between. 

3. Set boundaries

This is often the most challenging but most essential within a codependent relationship. In order to take care of yourself, you need to set firm boundaries so to protect your emotional, mental and physical well being. While setting boundaries you may notice that this is new territory for you and your partner, parent or friend. As a result, your partner, parent or friend may try and make you feel bad or talk you out of your new boundary. This can be the biggest challenge of all because they are trying to pull you back into that same cycle that has been so comfortable in the past. Be clear. Be direct. And don’t get pulled into the emotional cycle. 

4. Look into your past with a professional

Lastly, in order to understanding codependency it is important to understand where it stems from. More commonly, codependency is developed during childhood between child and caregiver. Children are reliant on their caregivers to get their basic needs met. Therefore, when a child is raised in a codependent relationship, their brains are trained to respond in fear when there is the risk of upsetting the parent, or the enabler. Seek out a trained professional to help you navigate this process and deal with any past, unresolved trauma.

If you are interested in working with me, please reach out. You can contact me for a free 20 minute consultation