Going Through A Breakup and Your Eating Disorder Has Returned?
There is a common understanding that eating disorders are all about control. Though there is a lot of truth to this understanding, eating disorders can be explained in other ways as well. I have sat with many clients with a history of disordered eating behavior as they go through a breakup. In my work, I have found that break ups are one of the most common reasons that individuals fall back into patterns of disordered eating. Have you ever been so upset after a breakup that it consumes your entire body? You might feel at a loss to experience joy in the world because you are all consumed by emotions related to loss, regret, grief, sadness, and many others
This is something that many humans can relate to. In the case of someone with disordered eating a breakup can fuel the onset of old disordered eating behaviors. So why is this?
5 Reasons A Break Up Can Fuel an Eating Disorder
Emotions can overtake hunger cues - as I mentioned before, when someone is experiencing strong emotions, they may also have a somatic response (stomach ache, tight chest, nausea). When these factors are included in someone's day to day they are less inclined to recognize their typical hunger cues (stomach pains, growling, increased desire to eat). As a result, when someone with a history of disordered eating begins to lose their normal hunger cues, they are at an increased risk of not eating or overeating. How does someone overcome this desire to over- or under eat?
Stick with what you know. Your body needs food. It might need even more of it with the additional energy your body is spending on an emotional level. If you fall into the category of someone who overeats when there are intense emotions - give yourself the space to eat if you need to eat. The more you resist this urge, the more shame and guilt there will be. After all, you are going through a breakup, if you need an extra brownie to feel better, allow yourself to have it. There is more harm done in the long run when these desires are stifled.
The desire to control something - this is a big one and sometimes the only one given credit to. If you are going through a breakup, your life might feel out of control. You might be mourning the loss of a future that you had been daydreaming about, or you might be feeling lost now that an important figure in your life is no longer there. In any case, there is a feeling of loss of control during a break up (regardless of who makes the call). Typically, individuals with disordered eating have a history of fueling loss of control with a feeling of control, in the form of disordered eating. If this applies to you, remember that you always have the choice of who you want to respond. This can be particularly tricky if you have been using disordered eating to cope for a long time. You don't have to do it alone and the help of a trained professional can help you navigate the difference between old ways of coping and new ones.
The desire to be thin in order to find someone new - this is a big one. This is also an example that is fueled by something much larger than the individual. IT is no secret that we live in a society that idolizes thinness. We are constantly flooded with messages about dieting, health, and the idea that thinness is a choice. By living in a society that deems small bodies as good and large bodies as bad, it creates an expectation that to be loved, you need to be thin. Therefore, if you are going through a breakup, whether you have realized it or not, you might be holding yourself accountable to be loved again, and to be thin.
Food or lack thereof, gives you something to think about other than the breakup - if you are going through a breakup, or have been through one, you know how painful it can be. It can be all consuming at times. You might want to think about other things, but no matter how hard you try, you are still left with the feeling. Food gives humans momentary relief. It provides a nurturing type of pleasure that allows you to feel good, even for just a moment.
At the end of the day food is meant to be enjoyable, so of course this makes sense! It is no different for lack thereof food, if someone is more accustomed to restricting when in the midst of intense emotions, it is likely they are escaping the painful, inner experience by masking it with a more intense, obvious one - such as hunger. The hunger gives them something else to think about outside of the intense negative emotions.
Binging and purging are used as ways to self soothe - both binging and purging are types of self-soothing behavior. They are used to create momentary relief out of the pain someone is feeling. So if someone is going through a breakup they might be flooded with intense negative emotions, in order to escape these negative emotions, a person with disordered eating behavior may use binging and/or purging as a way to feel relief, even if just for a moment.
Being with intense emotions is a hard one and there is no doubt that human beings enjoy having some relief outside of them. It is also necessary to allow yourself to fully feel them and be with them. Emotions are like a pressure release. If they do not come out when they are there, they will find a way to come out more erratically later.
Breakups are hard. They are especially hard if you have a history of disordered eating. Even if you have been in treatment before, you may find yourself in a place where you take a few steps back into old habits. This is expected and it does not take away from the work that you have already done. Lapses, not relapses, are a part of life. A lapse gives you the opportunity to learn more about yourself and your relationship with food and your body.
What will eating disorder therapy look like?
Eating disorder treatment can take many different forms. The consistencies across treatment include understanding yourself more fully, developing self compassion for both yourself and your eating disorder, introducing coping skills and emotional regulation, and supporting you to feel safe within your own body.
I have already been in eating disorder treatment and I feel like I learned all there is to learn
There is always more to unpack in eating disorder treatment. Especially if you are going through a large life transition, such as a breakup. Life transitions can introduce new speed bumps in our lives. If you find that you are responding in old disordered eating ways, it is helpful to seek the support of a professional to help you integrate the growth you have already done with the growth you would like to continue to make.
Reach out for support with eating disorder therapy
If you are interested in learning more about how I work with disordered eating or if you are interested in scheduling a free 20 minute consultation please feel free to reach out!
-Ellie